


campfire for the homies

by that_dorks_deceit_in_disguise



Category: No Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25987657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_dorks_deceit_in_disguise/pseuds/that_dorks_deceit_in_disguise
Summary: i procrastinated. this is what has become of it.(btw if you ask why im not here,,,its because i was asleep, you diddly darn americans)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	campfire for the homies

**Author's Note:**

> good evening, homosexuals

Diego ran into the room, tears filling his chocolate orbs. “Guys, Matthew’s DEAD!” he said, sinking to the floor in anguish.  
Raquel didn’t look up from her phone. “mood.”  
Diego paused his dramatic sobbing. “No, like I mean he’s actually dead.”  
A silence. Tension filled the air.  
Jerniyah snorted, breaking the silence. “look at this TikTok” she said, showing her phone to Crow, who was sitting right next to her.  
“Bad timing” Sahasra whispered.  
“Diego I’m sorry, I knew you loved him” Danya said, patting her cousin’s head awkwardly.  
*sniff* “thank you, it’s just going to be really har- wait what? I did nOT LOVE MATTHEW”  
“I mean, she never said who it was-” Synth called from across the room.  
“We were talking about him it was pretty obvio- whatever. The point is, we need to find out who did it and why.” Diego said.  
Crow’s blue orbs, previously wet with fake tears that she had spent a while perfecting, widened. “Like a murder mystery?” she said.  
Synth knew what was coming next and they didn’t try to stop it, so really, this was all their fault.  
In unison, Raquel, Crow, Jerniyah and Sahasra slammed their fists on the table and imitated Mermista. “Mer-mystery time!” Lightning crashed overhead.  
“How did you even do that?” Diego said. “None of you actually have water powers, you know.”  
Jerniyah stood on the table dramatically. “I practise at home!” Lightning crashed again as she threw her hands in the air, accidentally revealing a little remote.  
Ignoring Jerniyah, as most people in their right minds do, Diego continued. “We need to find out who murdered Matthew! It was one of the people in this room!”  
“It’s probably Jerniyah”  
“Yeah definitely”  
“Jerniyah, 100%”  
“Yeah it was probably me.”  
Diego looked as if he were about to scream with frustration. “I’m serious! Matthew is dead and none of you even care!” his orbs filled with tears. “We need to find evidence. We have to interrogate EVERYONE in this room and find out where they were at the time of the murder.”

Raquel  
Raquel sat in her chair, incorrectly, of course, as Diego fumed.  
“where were you at the time of the murder?” he said, his fists balled.  
“uh, with Pluto, obviously.” She said, raising an eyebrow. “how do you even know it was a murder?”  
Diego paused his pacing. “Um…”  
Raquel snorted. “so let me get this queer” she said, “you’re interrogating us for a murder…that didn’t happen.”  
Diego threw his hands on the table. “Matthew would NEVER leave my side! He wouldn’t DARE! And besides, you’re deflecting from the question! Where were you at the time of the murder?”  
Raquel snorted. “With Pluto, like I said.”  
Diego tried to curl his lip in distaste, but ended up looking like he was smelling something bad. “Where’s your PROOF?” he snarled.  
“um, I sent like, a lot of Pluto videos to the chat, you can probably see those.”  
Diego opened his phone, checking the chat. “Hold on a second…These videos…they…”  
“oh my god get on with it!”  
“They’re…” Diego looked up, fear in his orbs. “They aren’t ‘Remain in Chat’.”  
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]  
Everyone gasped. Crow half-heartedly flicked their hand, making lighting flash dramatically.  
“Raquel, without your alibi of Pluto, I am afraid that you are a suspect of the murder.” Diego said.  
Raquel raised her eyebrows. “um…okay?”  
“So go…uh…stand in the corner!”  
[BYSTANDERS GASP]  
“Danya! Your turn.” Diego said, clenching his fists.  
Danya  
“So, why exactly are we doing this again?” Danya asked. Diego was enraged that his cousin seemed to be completely indifferent about the entire thing, as if his boyf- as if Matthew dying wasn’t even that big of a deal.  
Diego ignored her question, asking one of his own instead. “where were you at the time of the murder?”  
“I was at home, like you should have been”  
“I WAS at home…UGH! Answer my questions properly! Had you seen Matthew in the last 24 hours?”  
“Yeah I can’t tell you that” Danya said.  
The peppy background music playing in the background stopped, to show tension as Jerniyah, turning the volume down on her “15 HR BACKGROUND MUSIC LOOP FREE NO ADS CALMING” video, gasped quietly.  
“The suspense!” she said, miming fainting.  
“Shut up, bottom.” Raquel whispered.  
“I am NOT A BOTTOM HOW DA-” Jerniyah began.  
Diego slammed his hands on the table for the third time today, before realising he probably shouldn’t do that again, because his palms hurt. “Be quiet I am talking to the SUSPECT?? PROFESSIONALISM, PLEASE!”  
“Anyway, Matthew isn’t even dead.” Danya said. “You’re just paranoid.”  
Diego’s orbs widened. “And why should I listen to YOU?”  
“Horde scum” Synth whispered under their breath.  
“You’re now a suspect!” Diego said.  
As Danya crossed the room, she whispered to Crow. “Stall him for a little longer.”  
“Got it” Crow whispered back.  
Crow  
“Crow, crow, crow.” Diego said, menacingly.  
“Yes, that is my name.” Crow said, rolling her orbs.  
“Don’t be smart with me!”  
“Oh sorry!” Crow said, faking remorse. “Who’s Crow?”  
“I- You- UGH! Stop trying to deflect! Where were you at the time of the murder?”  
“Uh…drawing. I was drawing.” Crow said, leaning back in her chair.  
“Okay then! Show me the drawings.” Diego said, holding out his hand. Crow raised an eyebrow. “What drawings?”  
Diego looked as if he were about to rip his hair out. “The ones you were making at the time of the murder?”  
Crow snorted. “I was drawing. I didn’t make anything from it, I just stared at my screen for hours.”  
“Mood.” Sahasra said.  
“Well you have to have something!” Diego said. “Otherwise you’re a suspect too!”  
“Hold on, I might have something…” Crow said, rifling through her bag.  
A minute passed, and Crow was still shuffling through her bag.  
“Alright that’s enough, Crow, I think it’s safe to say that you too are a suspect.” Diego said, fists clenched. “Sahasra, your turn.”  
Sahasra  
“Sahasra. I’m sure you know the drill by now.” Diego said. “Where were you during the murder?”  
“I was with my mum; I have an alibi.” Sahasra said, defensively.  
“We’ll see about that. If your alibi is so intact, you won’t mind if I…call her?”  
“WAIT NO DON’T CALL HER” Sahasra said, snatching her phone away from Diego.  
“AHA!” Diego said. “YOUR ALIBI IS FAKE!”  
“WHY ARE WE YELLING?” Synth asked, covering their ears.  
“Sorry.” Sahasra said, lowering her voice. “It’s just that my mom will freak out if you call her.”  
“Because you’re being investigated for murder?” Diego asked.  
“No, that happens a lot.” Sahasra said. “It’s because you’re a boy.”  
“Wh- your mom still thinks you’re a heterosexual?”  
“I know, it surprised me too.”  
“Anyway, Sahasra, if you can’t get your mom to confirm where you were, you’re a suspect too.”  
“Darn.” She said, with a straight queer face.  
“Next suspect!” Synth said, gleefully.  
“Synth, that’s you.”  
“Oh.”  
Synth  
“Synth, this is getting old.” Diego said, trying to sound menacing, and instead sounding like a villain in an anime 13-year-old girls watch. “Where were you during the murder?”  
“I was looking at memes, you can check my search history.” they said, taking out their phone. “Password’s 6969.”  
“Seriously?” Diego asked.  
“Yeah.” Synth said, as Diego unlocked their phone, checking their history, to see it empty at the time of the murder.  
“Where are the memes?” Diego asked.  
“I cleared my history.” Synth said.  
Diego looked like he was about to explode. “THEN WHY DID YOU LET ME CHECK IT- oh whatever.” He sat down in defeat, before announcing to the room that “Guys, Synth has no alibi, and is therefore a suspect!”  
Diego handed back the phone before crumpling down into the beanbag, defeated.  
“Interrogations are over.” he said. “I can’t deal with you guys anymore.”  
“Aw come on, we were just getting to Jerniyah, and she’s 100% the murderer!” Synth said, throwing their hands up into the air dramatically.  
“Yeah that’s true.” Sahasra said.  
“Yeah definitely.” Raquel agreed.  
“Honestly? It probably was me.” Jerniyah said, shrugging.  
Diego rolled his orbs. “Fine.” He said. “Jerniyah, your turn.”  
Jerniyah  
Diego looked as if he were about to murder someone himself. He gritted his teeth as he faced Jerniyah.  
“Where were you at the time of the murder?” he asked.  
“I was with Matthew.” Jerniyah said, examining her nails.  
“Record scratch?” Raquel said.  
Diego raised his eyebrows. “I’m sorry, did you just say ‘Record scratch’?”  
“Wait what did she say?” Crow asked.  
“I want chicken nuggets dammit!” Sahasra said.  
“Same, oh my gosh.” Synth said.  
“Want to go get some?”  
“Wait, hold on did Jerniyah actually murder someone?”  
“Where is my phone? Diego you had it last, give it back!”  
“Hey Siri, where’s the nearest McDonalds?”  
“I’m really not surprised that she murdered him, if I’m honest.”  
A noise interrupted their chatter.

The door creaked open, to reveal…  
“Matthew?” Diego said, his voice quivering. “I- I thought you were dead!”  
“Wait, that was actually your first reaction? That I DIED? Boi- never mind, I have something to say.”  
Matthew walked towards Diego. “Diego, we’ve know each other for 2 years now”  
Diego sniffed, his orbs widening. “Babe…its been three years.”  
“Whatever.” Matthew said, pausing in front of Diego. “These three years have been the best of my entire life. You are the best thing I could ever ask for… that and a She-ra movie…”  
Diego sobbed loud tears that flowed from his glistening orbs. “Babe…”  
“Diego (lastname), will you marry me?”  
Diego sobbed. “No!”  
Sahasra paused the 15 HOUR LOOP ROMANTIC MUSIC TO SET THE MOOD NO ADS on her phone.  
“Record scratch?” Raquel said again.  
“Wait! Shit, sorry I’m really confused right now, you’re dead! Yes! Yes I will marry you!”  
“WOO!” Jerniyah said, pressing play on her “CELEBRATION MUSIC JAZZY FESTIVE 10 HR LOOP” video.  
Diego hugged Matthew before standing up straight queer. “Everyone, I’ve been with Matthew for three years now, and, like he said, these have been the happiest years of my life, and I can’t wait to have so many more memories with the lo-”  
“KFC CHICKEN WINGS 50% OFF NOW! GET THEM SOON!”  
Everyone turned towards the source of the noise, Jerniyah’s phone.  
“sorry, sorry!” she said, fumbling with it. “I accidentally picked the video with ads…”  
Diego resumed his speech. “Right…well… I’m so excited to be getting married and I really thought you died so I’m a little shaken up right now!”  
Sahasra interrupted the happy couple. “I can’t believe that was the conclusion you jumped to…what if he had just gone to get food or something?”  
“Don’t question fanfiction logic, Sahasra.” Matthew reprimanded.  
“Fair.”


End file.
